What's the real deal?

[deafheaven]

I posted this once before many many years ago. At the time I said it was fiction. Well the truth is, its pretty much the truth. Truth enough to hurt. I'd never share these type of thoughts with my offline friends. I'd never let them see that side of me. But this is different. It's different because I know what it's like to be obese. I know the pain. I know the loneliness. I know the hardships. I know the tears.

I try to get to the forum daily. Often late at nght. And I see so many lurkers. The community isn't near so big as during the Atkins craze in the 90's. So there's fewer posts and, sadly, less support. But the people that are here are wonderful wonderful people. They really are.

And I can't help thinking, as I watch the lurking numbers, who you are and what you're feeling.

So I'm baring my soul so to speak. In the hopes that not only can we help you - but maybe you can help me too.

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It's 8 am and I've awakened from my slumber for perhaps the 4th or 5th time of the night. I'd gladly roll over my massive bloated parade float of a body and go back to sleep but even rolling over is a chore these days. Besides, my back hurts from laying in a prone condition for too long. I feel so tired all the time. I can stay in bed for hours on end. Ten, twelve, fourteen hours – even more, of restless uncomfortable sleep. My own snoring wakes me during the night. Or my back does. Or I have to go to the bathroom for the tenth time.

So I roll to my right, use my arms for momentum and hang my left leg over the edge of the bed. Placing my considerable weight upon that leg, I rise to a standing position with my right knee still on the mattress. Then swing the right leg off the mattress and onto the floor. Yay! I'm standing. What an achievement.

Today is Saturday. That alone would be enough to bring a smile to the face of most individuals but for me it was a day like any other. Just more hours to kill. It's fine in that it is a break from the routine of work but weekends themselves are a routine. A routine of boredom. And despite working a job I despise with people I despise, Mondays sometimes offered a relief of their own.

So then, bed sheets having slumped to the floor I make my way to the open window and peer outside. It's gray. It's always gray. Prison gray I thought to myself. That's life in Northern Ontario.

“Another beautiful day” I murmur, sarcasm sifting through the room like Febreeze.

What do I care anyway? It's not like I have something to do. Places to go. People to see. Excitement is going to the store to stock up on soda pop and potato chips for another evening of television viewing.

Eyes still half shut, I plod my way down the stairs to take a shower. I leave the light to the bathroom off and, there being no window, the room is dark and easy on my still wakening eye balls. I turn the water on and allow it some seconds to warm to an appropriately comfortable temperature. The shower opening is quite small so I have to turn sideways to enter the shower, squeezing my stomach so it can fit through the opening. Now I slowly raise the waters' temperature until it is quite hot and, placing the palm of my right hand against the back of the shower stall I arch my back slightly and allow the now steamy water to sooth my aching muscles.

Now that feels good. Ahhhhh.

Then I turn around and inch my way towards the flowing water until it hits me squarely upon the temple and the soothing water trickles down over the contours and folds of my round and pudgy frame.

Then...all of a sudden... I begin to weep. Openly and loudly and uncontrollably. It came out of nowhere and stunned me with it's depth and length. The salty tears merge and disappear in the flowing water but the mournful sound echoes in the tiny chamber and makes its claim upon the moment.

I don't make a habit of crying. Such weaknesses are shunted aside by men. Right? Regardless, on this day and for whatever reason, the 30+ year damn has cracked, perhaps inevitably, and the pressure has begun to demolish the aged cellulite wall.

As quickly and as suddenly as the tears began - they stopped. Normally I would stay in the shower until the hot water had exhausted itself but instead I hurriedly complete the cleansing, exit the shower stall, and dry myself off.

I make my way up the stairs and to the bedroom and sit down in front of the computer. I'm not going to sift through my carefully ordered set of bookmarks. Not today. Today I have a purpose.

Google: weight loss programs
17 million hits

I had always believed that weight loss programs, all of them, are nothing but a scam. I always figured that those desperate enough to participate in these self-mutilating ventures were doomed to failure. Even if you lose weight on one of these ridiculous plans in all likely hood you would just regain the weight when you went off the plan. Those and probably a few more. Still, as desperate as I am I have to do something and while surgery has crossed my mind it's really not an option I want to consider.

So here I sit surfing the galactic trash bin for something with at least passing appeal. Most every splash page for most every program is adorned with the image of a young, attractive, athletic blonde woman with big breasts and a tiny waist, probably airbrushed. Presumably life-changing words in quotation marks and in big, bold, colourful fonts, splashed across the page promises the body of a 20 year old in just 30 days. At best the statements are ludicrous. At worst, they're evil.

If I am going to try this. If I am going to put myself through this, I'm going to have to find some real people who are, or who have, gone through this themselves.

Google: weight loss support
38.million hits

The very first link reads “Atkins Support Group”.

So I'm reading all these posts and discussions and recipes and journals and statements and I immediately recognize that these people and these stories – they're very real.

Google: Atkins weight loss program
www.atkins.com

So I'm reading all of this information and it's really making sense to me. It's all clicking in. The science makes sense to me even though it seems counter intuitive. It seems contrary to everything I've ever read or been told about proper eating habits. But I've tried diets before. None of them have ever worked. The idea of not feeling hungry combined with the promise of the loss of cravings makes this program sound very appealing. The website seems honest in its approach despite the schilling of countless expensive low carb products. At least, I reason, unlike so many others I've researched today, all the information needed was right there in front of me - free of charge. The other programs want money before their so-called secrets could be revealed. Pffft. Buy this book, buy these supplements, join this program. Pffft. I may be fat and desperate but I know a scam when I see one.

This feels genuine.
I'm going to try it.

Shall I wait until after the commercialized, gluttony, alcoholic, holiday season just around the corner? No. I'm going to do this now. Today!

I'm going to give this plan a month. I'm going to follow it strictly. I'm not going to cheat and I'm not going to weigh myself. I'm just going to live this lifestyle so I can find out if I can live this lifestyle and to find out if it really works. Surely after a month I would know if I was losing weight or not, even if I wasn't weighing myself. If the science is truth then I will be successful. It's that simple.

Instinctively I know that if I am to be successful this needs to be a way of life and not a diet. This needs to be forever.

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That was – I don't even know – 9 or 10 years ago. I started at over 400 lbs. I was true to what I was doing. I finished at a low of 180 lbs. Can you imagine that? Would you think that was even possible? And I did it in 16 months. Yeah, I didn't cheat and I worked my ass off too. I didn't exercise at first but as I lost weight I started working out and I slowly exercised more and more until I got to the point where I could run a marathon. Can you believe that? A freakin' marathon.

I'm not 180 lbs anymore. Depression got the better of me and so did the carbs. Atkins didn't fail me – I failed Atkins. It's been painful. I let a lot of people down. But it is what it is.

Folks... this needs to be a way of life. This needs to be a forever thing.

And if you are lurking on the board (and many of you are) and you're thinking “I'm too shy” or “Nobody knows how I feel” or “I'm all alone” then you need to know that you're not. If you can identify with any of these words at all then you need to know that this CAN be done. That YOU CAN do it. But you can't do it alone. Nobody can. The people here are wonderful. They'll listen and help and show support and urge you on. And, most importantly, they understand. You are NOT alone.

I've been gone for years. It has been a very difficult period of my life. It's taken me years to find the courage to start this again and the first thing I did was come back here because – well – I can't do it without them. And the thing is – I need your support too. I'm not 400 lbs. I didn't, thankfully, gain all the weight back. But I am 300+. I have a long way to go once again. And I know how much hard work it was and is going to be. That knowledge has kept me from coming back. It all seems so daunting, perhaps even more so than the first go around.

Please join and please post.

[Patricia Reed]

Buff...could this become a sticky somewhere, please?

So many details that each of us can identify with. Feeling 'safe' with ASG is a blessing.

As we help others climb the ladder to success....we get a little closer to the top ourselves.

Putting voice (in this case, print) to our feelings helps us identify, sort and put in proper place those life pieces that give us pain/pleasure. The ultimate question...why am I here?
Thank you, Deafhaven.

[Charmaine]

Tom, once again your use of words has hit it right on. Many of us and I know that I for sure have felt some of those feelings and if it was not for this place and especially my journal here, I would have never lost the 117 pounds, yes I have gained some back and that as you said was not Atkins fault, it was my own personal choice, my self destructive behavior, but coming back here gives me a sense of peace and a feeling that I can do anything with my friends behind me. I lurked for well over a month thinking I will just do the food plan and read their advice...and while I lost I still felt alone, but when I finally came out of lurkdom and joined the group it was the most theraputic thing I have ever done. It gave me family...yes I have a fantastic family, 3 children, brothers, sisters, parents, but this gave me a family that understood what I was going through, it gave me people that knew what it was like to get out of breath by simply tying my shoes, it gave me people that would cheer me on and also people that would call me on my BS. It gave me hope and it gave me courage and it gave me determination, and inspiration and HOPE.

So if you are lurking and think watching from afar will do you good, it will a little bit, but by joining, getting to know us and us getting to know you, by being here and earning the right to journal and really get to know us, you will find a support system that will be there for you through so much more than just over eating or having a donut, but there for everything in you life, for all the things that sometime trigger us to binge...we are there for you and will help you move past those things and on to your own victory...so don't be shy join us!

[Diana]

These posts are so inspiring and just what I need!
A feeling of working together, and more.

[mainecyn]

This is the truth. Its how i felt the first time, how i fell now. I have been a success story, and a story of failure. It wasn't Atkins that failed me, I failed Atkins. I am back for round two. I have lost all the regained weight, for a second time. I still felt ashamed, lonely, isolted, like no one could possibly know how i feel. Yet, I have found a home here, full of people that understand me more than my own family does, and I share things with you that I cringe at the thought of having to tell others about.

[reader]

You are STILL a success story, Cyn, because you do NOT QUIT!

You never just give in completely...you get back on the horse when you get bucked off...so that is success. The object is to make adjustments and stay maintaining...whatever it takes.

The hard part is find out WHY you go off plan, understand it, find better ways to deal with the cause and conquer it!

Toni

[Chickadee]

Thanks Tom. Your post is so inspiring. We all have our vices, dont we? But you are right, we are the only ones that can fix our own struggles and life choices. You are so brave to write your story...most of us hide and do not fully admitt to how far or how bad things have gotten. Your story brought me to tears, and gave me courage to share things with the great people on this forum. Hugs to you Tom!
I know in the near future I can spill my feelings and life struggles on here nd that people will be supportive and not judging.
I, too, want to live Atkins for life....but I have some major hangups to overcome...and I hope and pray that all of you will understand, support and guide me through them.

I will post again soon.

[LauraWV]

Awesome, Tom. I remember reading this story 6 years ago. It was inspiring then, and it still is now. I think that was going to be the beginning of a book, right? You should write that book.

Your continuing story inspired me to start exercising back then. I had started Atkins, like many people, with the thought that exercise wasn't necessary with this plan, and that's why I had chosen it. Seeing you talk about being on your treadmill every day for hours, at over 300 pounds, made me think I had to try. I remember that first day I went out for a walk, I came back and immediately posted to you, asking if 2.5 miles per hour was very fast. It was as fast as I could go at the time. Now I'm running.

Think of all the people you could influence with a book about your journey. And what better way to encourage yourself to have a positive end to the story than to share it with all those people?